Self Conscious

Yesterday night, I was watching the Jay Leno Show while hand sewing a blanket (lame, I know). The guest du jour was Kim Kardashian. She was wearing a form fitting sparkling dress. I could not help but notice her huge butt. I said to my husband, who was watching with me that if I had a butt like that I would be very self conscious of it. And then it hit me: I have an ass as huge as hers.

Kim Kardashian's butt

Growing up, I always had a huge butt but I became aware of it when I hit the golden ages of adolescence. I was then in a boarding school with other girls who could not stop but tease me about my butt. They gave me all the names in the book. And I hated it. More and more I saw myself trying to hide my huge butt by covering it. I would wear baggy jeans and polo shirts. My mother hated this look of mine. She bought me dresses and skirts that stayed hidden in my closet. I opted for the hip-hop baggy style and it suited me perfectly. The only time I would adorn a dress or skirt were for big events or parties (because my Mother forced me to). Or when I tried to act sexy around boys I like. Even in that case, I always had a sweater wrapped around my ass to camouflage it.
I remember one of my cousins telling me that I should not be so self conscious about my ass. She said to me: "If I had an asset like your booty, I would use it instead of hiding it". This remark made me laugh. For her my ass was an asset. I was thinking that it was more an obstacle to me being me. Without it, I could finally become free to do whatever I wanted-meaning to dress anyway I wanted. I dreamt of getting rid of it. I so wanted to be "normal" and beautiful. I remember that during those days I would think that GOD gave me a huge ass for a reason. And I would daydream what those reasons would be. I thought, for instance that maybe someday I would have a bad accident and in need of surgery. And the doctors would take some extra fat from my butt to reconstruct something in my upper body.
You will have to understand that at that period of my life I did not only think that my ass was huge, I also believed that I was fat. The truth was that I was not overweight. I just had wide hips and a big butt compared to my other girlfriends. I had a small bust, small waist and probably nice legs if I manage to look pass my ass. However, I had insecurities about my body. For this reason, I went on an extreme diet. It started naturally because I could not stand the food in my boarding school. I just ate less of it. And soon enough I lost 10 kilos. I became thin but my ass did not shrink. Nevertheless, I was happy to hear that I was "melting" from my girlfriends. I became more and more confident, particularly when I saw the look of boys around me. I started to wear extremely short skirts and formfitting dresses. I was getting compliments everywhere I went. And my boyfriend (and his friends) was head over heels crazy about my body.
My confidence reached a high level once I went abroad. In Japan, I was not afraid of being "me". There were other things -a part from my butt- that people focused on like the color of my skin, my hairstyle and my fashion sense. Japanese people were always telling me that I had a nice figure (I do not know why). And foreigners found me very stylish. I liked being different. Therefore I became more and more daring about the way I would dress. I did not mind that people were looking at my ass. And more than often I did buy clothes that I thought would accentuate my figure instead of hiding it. My butt was almost no longer a problem, that is if I could find clothes that were my size. In reality, I had problems finding cute outfits my size in Japan. Japanese people being naturally small and slim, retailers there offer products that fitted them and not an 168cm, 60 kilos foreigner like myself. Sometimes I would window shop for hours before finding something I really wanted. Other times, I would go home without buying anything, overly depressed that none of the clothes I tried, fitted. Once again, I did go on another diet. But I could not be bother like in the past: eating the food I liked was more important to me than trying to shrink. I did find some special shops that were selling clothes my size. Plus, whenever I travelled out of the country, I always managed to buy an entire wardrobe.
As I grew older, my way of dressing changed. Once again I became self-conscious of my butt but also my bulging stomach due to lack of exercise. I switched from the tight tops to huge blouses. Was it because I was married, or because I did not have the fitted body of my 20 years of age? I have no clue. The only thing I know was that I was dressing more conservatively and I liked it.
A year ago, I decided to further push the envelope and wear Hijab. Ever since, whenever I would go, I would try to dress appropriately, wearing a scarf, covering my hair and the rest of my body. It was hard at times to find a cute outfit and stay covered particularly during Summer. But I managed. I am still managing. And what is truly a blessing about this new situation is that contrary to previous years, I do not spend hours in front of the mirror wondering if this jeans or dress makes my ass look bigger. Now I just spend hours in front of the mirror wondering if this dress hides my asset and if my scarf covers my hair enough....


Anonymous said…
Wonderful, i had great time reading your ass episode (if i may say so) and i loved it! don't stop, you're really talented M.
one of your girlfriends at your boarding school D.

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